god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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