im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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