yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
