I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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