I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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