Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
