You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
