i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The power of my boobs compel you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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