you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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