I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
