so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
