I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
