my mouth tastes like poor choices
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
