I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
