its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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