you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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