I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Randomize
