That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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