can we get nightvision for the apartment?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
zippers are such a cool invention
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
