i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
