So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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