I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
