Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
