My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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