It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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