it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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