Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
