Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
