He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
