im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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