i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
