I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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