I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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