His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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