Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You ruined the universe
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
