Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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