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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Panties = found
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
