god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
