If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just want nice things and good sex
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
