We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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