dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
