the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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