I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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