I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
