She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
