Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
