I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize