yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
