Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
