a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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