It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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