but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
