Plan B is the new Plan A
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
