My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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