the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
