CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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